8/01/2547

Unsettled Dust - attn: Almaty People

This entry is mostly for the benefit of those who I've been in contact with who were living in Kazakhstan around the same time I was, or any people who simply feel that they have no home in this world.

There are times when I long for home. It's strange though... it's not a sense of a place. It's a sense of a feeling. I don't associate location or people with it. It's a homesickness that I can't make go away. It's like I'm a refugee, but I haven't been forced away from my homeland - I simply don't know where it is. Or perhaps I've hit my head and gotten amnesia on the way.

Home is not a place. Home is a feeling people like us long for and yet haven't really experienced.

It's a sense of defeat that haunts me at times when the world is quiet. It's a subtle weariness, because there isn't a place where I can put my feet up and feel at rest. There isn't an image in my head for the location where I will one day settle down and start producing babies in.

Which brings us to the next concept: Love.

How is it possible to abide by the standard conceptions on love and marriage and settling down with somebody for somebody from this group of global nomads? Take your partner around the world with you? But that's still "home". We're geared to leave behind everyone every few years. The concept of a lifelong friend seems somewhat alien. Or atleast, that of a lifelong friend who is ever physically present. I find it odd that I connect more with those of you who are now scattered around the world than I do with those who are right here in the city I am now living in.

So how is love possible? As far as I can tell, love should be about knowing a person and accepting who they are, along with their faults, etc... then only loving them. Then, by conventional standards, you're supposed to settle down together... but ok, we'll remove that part, and we should all find that person who understands us. That leaves somebody like me at the conclusion that the only person I could love, truly, is somebody who is just as globally nomadic as I am. Who else could truly understand that feeling of constant homesickness?

But that poses an interesting problem. We would both be geared to leaving the other behind after a while, no matter how intense the relationship became. It would be a matter of necessity, almost. Or else, we'd be together, but far away from each other at all times. But this, again poses a problem, for the person that knows he/she is leaving a place shortly will strive to enjoy the moment there as much as possible. At least I do. I may think a lot, but I also do my best to live life to the full. That generally includes having somebody to hold on a local level. So interestingly enough, it appears that it would be impossible to be with somebody at the same locale for too long, and yet, it would be practically impossible to be faithful to somebody far away who I could love.

So what is love for people like us?