Losing heart
I hate to sound apathetic... and perhaps this will, at best.
It seems that problems keep surfacing in relation to my upbringing. Not with my moral or ethical upbringing. My parents are wonderful people, and any moral discrepancies I have are of my own doing.
But... friends? love?
Why is it that I can never tell my friends how I really feel about things? Why am I always 'happy'? It's like I've developed this mentality where I seem to think that I'm going to lose my friends in a couple years anyhow, so there's no point in really showing emotion... I can understand why the unlucky few who I love and feel like I can let down my guard with end up being the most hurt. It must seem like they just make me miserable.
The truth is, I'm miserable about a lot of things. I'm not a particularly happy person. I just wish I could show that side to the few people who I love. But it's so difficult - before they get to that stage, I've been 'happy' for so long.
It's a viscious cycle. A person makes me so happy and so comfortable that I feel like I can be myself - when I am, it upsets that person. I'm not that 'happy' person I used to be. So when I just need somebody to be weak with sometimes, I end up upsetting that person. Then I have to be strong again.
Maybe there is somebody out there who would understand... but the terrible paradox with that is that that person would be the same, would be a person that wants to let go as much as I do. I've come to the reluctant conclusion that I need to stop looking for that person. Those people that grew up with me as 'global dust' are not easily pinned down. It's not possible. But I guess they all need a home as much as I do sometimes.
Help... I'm so tired of being strong. I'm so tired of 'temporary'.
It seems that problems keep surfacing in relation to my upbringing. Not with my moral or ethical upbringing. My parents are wonderful people, and any moral discrepancies I have are of my own doing.
But... friends? love?
Why is it that I can never tell my friends how I really feel about things? Why am I always 'happy'? It's like I've developed this mentality where I seem to think that I'm going to lose my friends in a couple years anyhow, so there's no point in really showing emotion... I can understand why the unlucky few who I love and feel like I can let down my guard with end up being the most hurt. It must seem like they just make me miserable.
The truth is, I'm miserable about a lot of things. I'm not a particularly happy person. I just wish I could show that side to the few people who I love. But it's so difficult - before they get to that stage, I've been 'happy' for so long.
It's a viscious cycle. A person makes me so happy and so comfortable that I feel like I can be myself - when I am, it upsets that person. I'm not that 'happy' person I used to be. So when I just need somebody to be weak with sometimes, I end up upsetting that person. Then I have to be strong again.
Maybe there is somebody out there who would understand... but the terrible paradox with that is that that person would be the same, would be a person that wants to let go as much as I do. I've come to the reluctant conclusion that I need to stop looking for that person. Those people that grew up with me as 'global dust' are not easily pinned down. It's not possible. But I guess they all need a home as much as I do sometimes.
Help... I'm so tired of being strong. I'm so tired of 'temporary'.