12/17/2548

An ongoing sorrow

There are worse things that happen in the world than the deterioration of relationships. But if there's anything that can get a person crying for hours, it isn't the starving children in the world, it isn't the millions dieing of AIDS. Although those are tragic things, it's always what is closest to a heart that a person cries about.

I used to think that the reason I always ended in tears when I talked to my oldest brother was because he didn't approve of the things I wanted to do, or because he was so harsh in his manner of speaking.

But I've come to realise that that is really only the surface. And my previous theory can't be right. When people tell me what I can and cannot do, I get angry, not sad. When people criticise me, I take the opportunity to improve.

Tonight, my brother didn't specifically deny me the chance to do anything. He didn't criticise me.

And I realised why it is that ever since I was around 15 or 16, I cry for hours after I've talked to my brother. It's because I feel like I've lost a friend. I feel like I've lost a brother. There hasn't really been any communication for years.

I know I shouldn't be attached to the past, but the truth is, I know I used to be close to him. I know we used to have so much fun together. And I know I was a difficult teenager, and I guess that is what has caused the bridge to crumble... I'd so desperately like to build it again. I'm not sad because I couldn't go out tonight.

Nobody told me I couldn't go to the jazz festival. I'd rather miss it, because it makes me sad to leave now. Right now I'd gladly sit at home every night and every day on my very best behaviour if only I could have my oldest brother back.