Why now??!

I've got this terrible, terrible feeling. It's a heavy hand on the inside of my chest, and it's squeezing the air out of my lungs. And it's inching towards my heart.

I want to let it go, get it out, but it's just lying there, refusing to move. There's no logic in it being there, because everything is perfect, right? Isn't it?

If I don't force it out, I'll be stuck with that illogical leaden hand with slowly scratching and inching fingers...

*** *** ***

Can't concentrate, can't sleep, keep crying, feel like bashing head against wall..., etc, etc. Why right before this exam?!

And you're probably happily doing whatever it is you are meant to be doing, having shoved it all out of your mind. I guess I envy you for that.

I hate fights...

I hate knowing that I don't have to mental strength right now to just resolve the issue, or just forget about it...

If I'm that weak, then I guess it must be my fault... that is, my fault for letting it affect my mood. Why should I let anything affect my feelings? Why should I want anything, feel anything? I have no need to be happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, nervous, hate, love, etc...

I've only got my duty to perform, right? And right now, that's to be a student.

So I should study.

There's nothing else but the Dharma, is there?

It all makes better sense that way.

And it's easier to let go...

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Sorry about that e-mail, Daeshious.

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