Last Saturday

What ambitions... I recall on the blog I wrote on Saturday that I thought I'd just simply end up drinking too much and falling asleep... If only that were.

"Fucking Japs" was the first thing I heard as I got out of the car. Peering at door number seven, I saw a short white male looking at us in disgust. At first we didn't react other than to stare back. That's when the stream of abuse started...

For the sake of not repeating myself, I'll just paste what I wrote on the subject the next day here:

Executives of Peak Student Representative Body Subject to Racist Attack

Five top-level executives for the National Liaison Committee for International Students Inc. (NLC) became victims of a racial attack upon returning to their hotel after a conference followed by a dinner, when a fellow hotel guest confronted them with explicitly racial insults as they were returning to their respective rooms.

The NLC does not believe in racial violence and the representatives therefore responded by immediately alerting the New South Wales police, who arrived an hour later. They were advised of their right to file a racial vilification complaint, but were told that as this would require legal representation, it would be better to leave the issue unaddressed. Also, it was clearly stated that the police were not empowered to take any action, as this responsibility belongs to the Australian Board of Discrimination (ADB). After the departure of the NSW-police, the offender and his companion continued to harass the NLC executives, knocking on their windows and warning them until around 5 a.m. the next morning to “be careful”.

The five members of the national executive, Aditya Tater, National Convenor (QLD), Pankaj Pathak, National General Secretary (WA), Akshay Saraf, NSW Convenor, Sankalp Khanna, QLD Convenor and Valisa Krairiksh, VIC Convenor, hail from six countries: Nepal, India, Botswana, Zambia, Thailand and Finland. As well as representing international students nationwide, they also represent their Universities: Griffith University, University of Queensland, University of Notre Dame Australia, University of Technology in Sydney, and Monash University.

The NLC executives, who were attending the annual conference at of the New South Wales branch of the NLC at the University of Newcastle, had also ironically been discussing racism as a central issue following the atrocious physical attacks that took place a month prior, where the victim was a Kenyan student studying at the University of Newcastle.

The NLC-NSW branch conference opened the following day with discussions on racism and tactics that could be adopted as counter-measures. Among the proposals put forth, was that made by Ingrid Tufvesson, International Student Officer for the Postgraduate Board of the University of New South Wales, encouraging international students in Australia to approach the U.N. Currently, NLC is researching the possibilities of an international campaign for acknowledgement of international students as a specifically disenfranchised minority, which, due to its status, demands representation cognoscente of the new factors put into play as education is increasingly internationalised.

The NLC will, after seeking medial recognition for these issues in Australia, be formulating similar press releases to be publicised internationally. The organisation will not tolerate unjust bias faced by international students in Australia, whether this is structural - as in the denial of public transport concessions; political - as in the lack of effective representation and legal rights, or those stemming from a core issue of discrimination and racial abuse by individuals and or groups in Australia.

****

It's a very powerless feeling you get when you are confronted with something like that. You know they hate you, but you don't really know why. You never talked to them in your life. All they do is see you and they decide you are bad person. And you know it's not even due to a low level of education, although that's the reason it takes on such an ugly, straighforward form. They hate us because we are not white, but we don't hate them. It's difficult to be anything but hurt.

Whatever form of racism it is, how it must eat away at the person who holds such views. If it's the uneducated, openly discriminating kind, then they are angry that we are here. If it's the educated kind that tries to deny racism exists, then the person can't help staring, they can't help feeling uncomfortable when they see a 'black' person, and they can't deal with the knowledge that deep down, they really are racist, no matter how they try to mask it.

Or maybe people just don't think enough.

NLC conflicts - SOLVED!!

Brainflash!! I just realised the root of all NLCL problems - We don't get enough sleep! Supposedly, NLC is supposed to be one big family. "The family that sleeps together, stays together".

That's it. I think we should go on a compulsory 10-day sleeping trip.

Hmmm... I seem to have an admirer of some sort on my blog... reveal thyself! What is this jealousy over my "thing"... ?? And how do you know it's not you? Whoever you are? Hehehe.

I'm finally back in Melbourne. YESYESYESYES YES YES..... YES!! I'm so happy to be home that I'm not going to skip any uni this week... oh wait, I have a campus visit tomorrow. Ok, I won't skip any uni next week (keeping my fingers crossed)....

NSW

Oh my God. What. a. weekend. Here I am in the University of Newcastle, attending a small, but intense Branch Annual Conference. They've really pulled in the efforts to get some very knowledgeable speakers - CAPA's Ingrid Tufvesson, Aristotles, their lawyer on the Travel Concession case and more! Victoria should really take the example. This branch is SO active, despite the fact that they have only been up for about three months!

But let's backtrack a little bit. I arrived here in Sydney on Thursday night, and was picked up from the airport by Jesse, and we proceeded to what he considers the best bar in Sydney... Oh my god. It was only *just* better than the Notting Hill Hotel! And Jesse has excellent taste! That just goes to show that Sydney is definitely not somewhere where I would EVER want to move. After the bar, we went to Akshay (NSW branch convenor)'s house and we launched into a series of political polemics over a bottle of whisky.

I woke up on Friday morning with a slight hangover and headed over to USyd with Jesse, where he gave a tutorial and I waited... then waited for P, Sankalp and Akshay to come fetch me to Newcastle. No relief from the damned polemics.

Friday night was interesting.. Newcastle Uni hosted a little Latin Dance night, and I had a good dance with Eduardo, and a discussion about Paulo Coelho with Adtiya (He has a new book out!! It's called 11 minutes - must go check that out).

The night was quite eventful... we were put up at a YHA, and I got my own room, thank God! Although it did involve Raj heroically giving me his room because I didn't want to share like the spoiled little brat that I am. I slept incredibly well... I think there was something in my room with me last night :)

But yes, today... today has been tiring, and fortunately I am being put up in nicer accommodation tonight - although I'm going to have to share with either P, Sankalp or Akshay... dah dah dah daaaah. We'll all just probably end up drinking too much and crashing in just one room, hehe...

Ok, this blog has been long and boring, so I'll leave it here... I'm currently skipping conference to update my blog... they are discussing NUS elections... blah blah blah.

Confrontation

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...

I hate confrontations, but sometimes they are unavoidable... I had a little run-in with Mr. National GenSec today, who I think is a little over-stressed... just trying to tell him to calm down and chill out, and it blew up in my face.

Now I feel bad. I generally try to be as inoffensive as I possibly can (except in jest, ofcourse!). I just get this deep rotten feeling when I know I've offended somebody without meaning to. Dammit, just let me finish my sentence before jumping to conclusions! Sigh... maybe I should just take a nap - I don't think my brain has been working correctly for the past few hours anyhow.

Grr. Need to write a report about the meeting with the DIMIA S.L.A.M. unit this morning - I got a lot of good ideas and felt encouraged to know that even if campuses in Victoria aren't too fussed about NLC, atleast government people feel that we are a useful mediator. If only we could convince the campuses of the same thing! It would make life so much easier. Some issues do re-occur across the campuses, and getting the campuses to share that information with us and each other is like asking them to show us their personal journals. I mean, what the hell is the use of NLC anyhow, if the campuses don't want to utilise our most obvious function??!

Politics is a lonely game, especially when you fight those you work with - that's when you start realising that you don't know who you should call... who to trust? Only those who are involved understand, and those are exactly the same people you don't call about feeling down!

Why do I feel like a muddy doormat right now?

*** Update: Issue resolved. Who says things take a long time to happen in the NLC?***

But I still feel kinda down. I neeeeeed a hug bigtime! :(


Not a fun person to piss off! Hey, doesn't he look better with the beard/goatee? 

Polemics

**For what I did last night, skip to bottom - for those interested
in Philosophy, read all!**

Taking two units of philosophy this semester is really messing about with my head... I'm turning into a most argumentative little being:

Me: Socrates presupposes in the Gorgias that there is an objective ground of good, and bases his whole arguement around that. Yet, in the Euthyphro, while he doesn't
explicitly say that there is no objective ground for good, he bases his arguement around the concept that we can not really define good (for those of you who can't
remember - "Is the good that which is loved by the gods, or is it loved by the gods because it is good?"


Does Socrates have an answer for this?

My lecturer: Excellent! Socrates would doubtless be delighted if you challenged whether his views are consistent.


What do you suppose he'll say about his conversation with Euthyphro? I imagine it'll go something like this:


"Well, Valisa, you're right. I did question whether things are good because the gods love them. After all, surely the gods must have a reason for approving of
certain things and not others. It can't be just random. What better reason could there be than that these things are good? So goodness isn't the result of something's being loved by the gods -- it is rather the ground or reason for their loving it."


"You are right to say that I haven't told you what this objective ground is. But I certainly think there must be one. What do you, Valisa, think makes things good? What
is that one thing in common among all the things that are objectively valuable? Tell me your answer, for what could it be more important for a person to know?

Me: If that were Socrates' reply, I would have to criticise him for skirting the issue. I'll agree with Socrates, that yes, there is probably some objective ground for good. Yet, we are unable to conclusively show what this is.


Socrates is calling into doubt whether or not Gorgias, Pollus and Callicles are acting in accordance to what is good. If he can not answer the question of what good
is, can he truly accuse others of not acting in a manner which is good?


He accuses the three of speaking and acting without true knowledge of what is right and wrong - If Socrates concedes that he does not, either, know that which is right and wrong, is he not guilty of the same 'cookery'?

****

Not only am I picking a fight with Socrates, I'm picking a fight with myself. Now, I don't like Foucault. I absolutely hate his style of writing. I read his work thinking - my god, this is mental masochism of the highest degree! It's so damned rhetorical and he doesn't miss a chance to lauch into polemics. Oddly enough, once I had concluded that he is very painful to read, I find out in my tute that he is, infact, a sadist. Perhaps there is a link... do not do to the body what you would not do to the mind??!

Anyhow, despite all this, I've decided to launch a little war against my initial intuitions about the French philosopher and get myself some extra reading on the man. Perhaps I'm mad, but I've decided to understand what it is that Foucault is on about to the extent that I shall write my 40% assessment essay on him. Should be fun to do a bit of Foucault bashing... before that, though... Books, books, books - Know thine enemy, as they say, and "Thou shalt not act without impunity"

*****

Ok, so down to more mundane matters... like what did I do last night? What have I been up to all week that I have thus neglected my blog since Tuesday?

On Friday night I was feeling like a quiet one, so I made a really nice dinner - wraps, humus, guacamole, tomato salad, mushroom salad... I really got a nice bit of inspiration. The problem was there was entirely too much food and I ended up inviting Bernard over for dinner. He in turn, invited a bottle of Gin. I let him read my blog, and he spent the next three hours vainly trying to guess who this "THING" of mine is. It was so funny - I cracked up so badly. Well, that's for us to know and nobody to find out, huh? Didn't end up going to sleep until three and feeling somewhat out of it at the BOB meeting the next day...

Last night was fun, too. I went for drinks with Tenzing and Julian - ended up making fun of Tenzing all night. I wanted to see the messages on Tenzing's phone, and he ended up knocking me over (ouch) in the bar whilst forcibly trying to retrieve his phone from my clutches... hehe. All he had was text messages about meetings. So sad... We had a good laugh. For some reason, Tenzing is calling me "Smartblur". I think this is in reference to the fact that I'm always spaced out, yet, as far as he can tell, don't appear to be stupid.

I didn't miss any lectures last week! That was a big bonus!

I checked a certain somebody's blog and was a bit sad to find that for once, there wasn't a reference to me at all... *sniff*

Time to go... people to do and places to see. This time it's Ginny at Victoria Market. Mmmm. Coffee...

Regaining spontaneity

Hmmm... I just did something this morning without thinking at all... I went and bought a ticket to Sydney under the pretext that I'm going for the NLC-NSW branch annual conference... although I really just wanted to pop in and say hi to Jesse and P'Plern. Then I discovered the conference is to be held in Newcastle, not Sydney, so I'll only be seeing Jesse for a day.

I just went and did it without confirming first the location of the meeting... this doesn't really correspond with my behaviour for the past few months... I mean, I keep getting told I'm not impulsive or spontaneous at all... perhaps I'm beginning to thaw out from that depressing freeze...

Perhaps I just miss 'the thing'?

I heard someone was a little stressed today... Poor baby, I'll make you feel better when I see you in Sydney!

Morbid thoughts, morbid mind

It's a strange thing - I think a few years ago, anyone who knew would say that I'm the most positive, lighthearted and energetic person around... My dad, in circumstances I won't delve into over here, even wrote a letter to the Finnish university board, that mentioned my positive outlook torwards life.

It's interesting that such features - most of all the lighthearted part - can really morph over time. I mean, I've been surprised, in the past few years, to encounter numerous instances where people have been telling me to lighten up and chill out... so far no comments on energy or positiveness, but I wonder if they are far down the road?

Today during a drama seminar, we were presented with three different settings for a possible revenge... my colleagues picked the obvious one - the dark alleyway, whereas I found that way too obvious and opted for the sunny field, embellishing it with a corpse rotting in the fields of hay, being pecked away at by crows... There was a small stunned silence from the class, until somebody laughed and said "I think you are just a morbid thinker".

Interesting. I guess I am... I just had a discussion with a friend the other day, where we talked about death, and I stated that I really wouldn't mind too much if I were to die any moment soon. My friend retaliated that that would be selfish, not to care about my own death - as there are others around - my parents, my friends - who would inevitably be hurt by this.

But is this just a form of attachment? Should we all not be accepting of the fact that death is a part of life and that there is nothing more we can do than to face it, and face the fact that we are truly unprepared for it? I think I cannot afford to blindly go through life without acknowledging that with every step I take, death - mortality - stands beside me. That knowledge, and that kind of outlook in life - can lead to two ends. One in which I take a decidedly fatalist approach to life and achieve nothing because I will die anyhow, and nothing I do now will matter in the long run. While this is true, I cannot, however, forget that I am an individual, and there must be a reason why I have this life. This, in turn, leads to the second option: I have two pieces of knowledge. One is that I am mortal. The other is that there are things that I can achieve. The logical conclusion I draw from this is that the only plausible thing for me to do is to, as I acknowledge death, is to also acknowledge life as strongly, striking a balance between yin and yang, as it were.

As I see it, sadness and depression come with dwelling on death - the stronger my acknowledgement of death is, the stronger my life at any given moment needs to be. However, a life where I do not acknowledge my own mortality is a shallow one. The further I ignore the imminence of death, the less my concern for life need be. So, with respect for that, I say that those who are most aware of their mortality also have the most potential to live a deeply meaningful and therefore happy life.

It is true, however, that I am a relatively morbid person at the moment - the years I spent depressed have not been without impact. I do not fear death, but I fear sinking into that self-destructive cycle of anti-depressants and self-loathing again. It's like a heavy burden that makes me question my own actions at every stage, inhibiting me from the spontaneity and rashness that I was formerly charachterised by... but I think it's a fear that is slowly releasing it's icy clasp on my heart... perhaps in a few years, I can smile without a shadow of sadness lingering in my eyes.

Melbourne Supper Club

*Phew* what a night... It's 6:30 p.m. and I just woke up one hour ago. It was raining all day, so my bones just melted together in my bed and I slept like a fossil.

I seem to have disappointed a couple guys last night - Georg and Nathan, who seemed to have some misconceptions about being the ones who would be in the centre of my attention all night... Far from it... I was running around the whole place chatting with the millions of ISO friends I had there. By the end of the ball, both of them looked thoroughly dejected. The after-party at the loft was a lot of fun, and for once, I didn't spend the entire night whining about the hiphop/rap/r&b music. I even enjoyed myself thoroughly, spending most of the night dancing with Tenzing, Kenny, Bernard, and Melvin. Around three we left the loft and went to the supperclub... I think that was the most enjoyable part of the evening - really sitting down and having a chat with the boys... It was especially nice to have Tenzing open up to me about his mother, and to see the relationships between Bernard and Tenzing unfold. Kenny is an interesting one - he seems to be somewhat shifty and doesn't really reveal much about himself, but he's fun to have around, I suppose.

Bernard seems to have calmed down a lot from the time when I first met him - and he's now much easier to speak to - really happy to have him as a friend - but then again, I think a lot of girls are. Bernard, you're so sweet! Thanks!

Tenzing has been a bit of a tough nut to crack, but he strikes me as somebody who really has an aim and objective in mind, and uses these to propel himself through life, not letting go of his ideals at any point. I have a lot of respect for that, as I'm the opposite myself... I let life propel me and hang on to those things that I pick up along the way.

I've gotten this sense of forboding as far as my "thing" is going... as much as I'd like it to work, I'm wondering if it could, really? Perhaps I'm just ready to give things up too easily again?

Hwaa!!

It's already 5:45 and I've managed to get through this day without screwing anything major up. There are two things I could have blundered today: My philosophy presentation (worth 17%!!) and the presentation of our plans for NLC Victoria to the VIDC. Both went smoothely... I can't believe it... I guess my luck is finally turning now that I've had time to think things through for myself a little bit.

Next up: Kickboxing... I'm really looking forward to my first class today. Hopefully by the end of semester I'll be a good deal more fit, with things like pilates and kickboxing on the agenda... And perhaps I'll manage to fit in swimming at least once a week, although that's always a hassle, because it involves dragging a wet towel and swimsuit around with me afterwards. (editorial comment at 23:10: I really liked the kickboxing... excellent workout! And the teacher was an outrageous flirt... but then again, so am I! Definitely had a very good time)

I had a coffee with Ginny yesterday evening. It was definitely good to dispel any myths from the NPO's mind about me and P having some sort of romantic involvement... As if! And that goes for anyone of you NLC-gossip-mongers visiting my page: What happens in conference stays in conference... and nothing even happened, other than the creation of a scandal!

Anyhow, it's been a brilliant day... and I'm still waiting for that special someone to come dance with me in the jungle! I actually read an article today about a white tiger cub without stripes and blue eyes... new pet for me, huh? Waiting for that tiger to come to me... (although if it started coming to Melbourne now, walking (for I don't think they allow tigers on passenger seats in planes), it would probably get stuck in the middle of the Australian desert... I guess I'll have to meet him halfway and lounge about in the desert, cuddling up and looking at the stars together at night, with nothing but the sand and silence surrounding us...

The birthday party

There's this student, who's living in one of those student dormitories. He's happily studying away on his kitchen table when he hears a strange sound coming from one of his kitchen drawers, so he get up and takes a peek at that drawer, pulling it out cautiously, as he's alone and is beginning to feel somewhat freaked out.

Upon sliding the drawer out, he notices a hand, all pasty green/blue, and missing a few fingers. Initially, he doesn't know what to do, and is quite ready to panic, but then his curiousity takes over and he opens the drawer a little more and discovers an arm... also all pasty and green... whoever it belongs to has been dead for quite some time...

Aghast, yet intrigued, the student opens it some more and discovers a head with thin matted hair, a rotten scalp, goggly eyes frozen in the final shocked expression of a sudden death, and a huge gawping black hole of a mouth.

Frozen to his place, the student doesn't know whether to run or to scream or simply to faint away. Suddenly, the head moves, and turns to face him with it's goggly dead eyes, and opening his gaping mouth, says:

"Eng, eng, eng... Doraemon!"
...........

I have no idea why the conversation tured to ghost stories yesterday at U-jungs surprise birthday party... It was a small and intimate little gathering, where we ascertained that my housemate, P'Berm, sees ghosts that look like his girlfriend, U-jung, whenever she is not around. Freaky. That's why there are those Korean signs above all the doors in my house - to ward off ghosts. But how the hell do Australian ghosts understand Korean? Or maybe they are allocated to haunt people based on demographic and/or nationality of residents?

I couldn't eat the cake, or the icecream at the party, so I thought I'd make my own cocunutmilk icecream... I'm not too certain about the results, although they did make for a nice breakfast... the thing is, I was told that I have to boil it first, or else the fat won't freeze, and that that is what they do with cream before turning it into icecream. So I tried it out, and it's a solid block, I must have burned as many calories trying to eat the rock as I got eating it! The more I think about it, the more I think I've been had... I've never heard of anyone having to boil cream before turning it into icecream before.

In any case, I'll have to do that more often... it really is quite yummy!

My legs are still really sore... I went to my first pilates class on Monday, and they make you do all these excercises that work out muscles that you aren't even aware of. The unfortunate part of that is that they are all internal muscles - working them out is supposed to increase my balance and overall support of my body... but it's not going to be making my tummy any smaller!... I'll leave that to kickboxing class on Thursday, if I even have time to go!

Today was day three of the multicultural festival... Oh my god, I smell like satay chicken again. I guess I didn't screw anything up today, either, which makes my day remarkably abnormal. Nor did I get lost (yet). I still haven't made my way home - so I've still got some time to think of some interesting way to screw up. Or perhaps it'll wait until tomorrow, when I've got the VIDC performance with the B.O.B.s... now that's a scary thought. My screw-up battery is just recharging at the moment, waiting for it's full potency.

Secrets...

If I had to describe myself, it would be as an aquarium. I don't know anyone more transparent than I am, and that's now beginning to annoy me... There doesn't seem to be anything that people don't know about me. Hehe. I suck!

But now there are a few secret in the bowl... the little fish are hiding under rocks, and they only come out when they think nobody is watching. And GRRRRRRR how it frustrates me!!! I hate having personal secrets! Other people's secrets are fine, they sink like a rock to the bottom and are covered over by the little rocks at the bottom of the bowl, but my own - well, they squirm and wiggle with excitement underneath the peaceful scene of happy fish above like little tadpoles and can just barely control their awe and excitement at the irridescent world of the aquarium.

Can't take it anymore - it's really screwing with my head already! Who can I tell? I'm squirming in my seat just writing this blog!

Anyhow... down to more mundane matters... like how was my day? Well, it was certainly less embarrassing than the last few days, and I finally feel like I'm starting to communicate a little more with the branch office bearers... I really needed a little time to think about my state... I guess this is as 'patriotic' as I get... and what a patriotism - it's an allegiance to people who are out of their homelands... I guess we are all searching for a home in Australia, or finding the basis of one in any case...

And I managed to get lost yet again, today... This really is becoming a bad habit... I think I've been lost atleast three times in just the past week. Yesterday, I first took the wrong bus home from uni, thus ended up at the wrong train station, and thus the wrong train line. I decided, however, that instead of going all the way into town and catching a tram back to my place, that I would get off at East Malvern, where I thought a tram that would take me home should pass through. Ok plan, but then I missed the East Malvern stop because my friend called from Spain, so I got off at the next stop and took the train back to E.M. My joy at ending up in East Malvern was short-lived, however, as I could not find the tram in question and ended up tromping through a muddy field twice in white pants looking for a relevant tram stop... When I finally got near where I should have been, I started walking in the wrong direction... grrr... It took me over two hours to get home yesterday, when it should have taken me only 45 minutes!

But, oh, well... today was interesting, too.... I initially got on the right tram to go home, but for some reason I thought I was on the wrong one and got off and got on one that WAS actually wrong... ended up somewhere in who knows where... but the good thing is that I found a really nice icecream store and got my flatmates girlfriend her birthday present from there... and I still made it on time to the surprise party... I guess my luck is turning now... atleast good things are coming out of being good at getting lost, huh?

My 'thing' appears to be quite occupied, and as usual, I miss the comfort of proximity... but I guess that's to be expected...

I always screw up.

Today I MC'd for the Monash Multicultural Festival... everything went great - I didn't screw anything up... except for the largest thing I could possibly screw up - I forgot the name of the dean of business & economics who was giving a speech, and who happened to be one of our main sponsors. That's always a good start...

But atlease my MC skills were otherwise impressive, because I got offered a job straight afterwards - ha ha... yeah right like I'd have the time to work - and MC work is boring, even on those occasions when I have gotten paid for it! Besides, I would have to give up blogging and procrastinating in order to have time to work!

I just realised that I've been screwing up my term as branch convenor pretty massively, and it's time to start taking steps in the right direction. We all make some mistakes... I'm just particularly specialised at making the worst ones possible.

Isn't that just great?

Other than that, I feel that something is missing, but that's not a new feeling to me - it's something I've been used to since I was very little... but for a while I found something, and I didn't feel as empty. Then, as nature would have it, this thing was again taken far from me, leaving me quite empty again... but atleast I've got something to look forward to now, don't I? Come back soon!

Jungle monsoon...

I'd like to write a lot about how I feel about people about life...

But it gets more and more difficult as my term progresses.

Friday night I was at the inauguration for MUOSS... it was a touching ceremony, and you can tell they really dished out the funds and the effort to turn that night into one that was thoroughly enjoyable by all the guests. I'm glad I dressed up, because it was practically a ball!

Last night I attended the RMIT ball... the first ball I've been to here in Australia, other than the NLCAC ball (and my god, the rumours started flying after that one - what a night!) - and I arrived over an hour late! Saturday night meant that I couldn't get a cab for some reason, so I ended up takin the tram, which then stopped in the middle of bloody nowhere due to some sort of bomb scare... Yay. I thought the ball would have been a drag, but I really enjoyed myself - and I feel that the ice between me and one certain person is beginning to thaw just a little bit. I had to dance on stage! Ack! I was sitting there happily munching on my vegan maincourse, when the dancers started picking out people from the audience for a latin dance competition, which involved a whole lot of dirty dancing... My partner was really off the deep-end... I would have been ok, except I was wearing a Chinese dress which has a slit ALL the way up the leg, meaning that I'm not supposed to be doing much of boogying around... Tenzing and Ling said "I closed my eyes, don't worry", but Nic was just laughing his head off, and Melvin said "I like your dress... it's very very nice"... I wonder just how much of my ass must have been showing... Despite all that flashing of ...erm... upper leg, the audience couldn't decide on a winner, because by that time, most of them were too drunk to remember they were supposed to cheer the loudest for the best couple.

All through the ball, I couldn't help but think that a certain somebody was missing... I'm sure we'd have won that dance competition, huh? Well, I guess we'll have to wait until we're attending a ball somewhere in the some place and time again, won't we, my love? It should be one in an open field in the middle of a jungle, where the monsoon rain blurs the outlines of the tigers creeping in on the guests... It could be a private ball, where the mascara is running into my eyes from the heavy rain, and I'd reach over and smooth the hair that flops down on your face away from your eyes and kiss you, there in the jungle, oblivious to the world, cleansed by the forces of nature...

Logical deduction

Evil never sleeps

Politics never sleeps

These two are linked... and are likely to both be evil.

Therefore, I'm nowadays mostly evil, as I only spend about 25% or less of my days sleeping... perhaps an average of 22% of it. And I consider that a lot sleep for some odd reason.

A little bit of goodness goes a long way.

Evil is good at disguising itself.

Or perhaps politics is not evil.

You decide...

The deep end

Personal:

Missing that extreme thing… a lot. I feel so lonely without that presence in my life, although I really shouldn’t be admitting that =) Maybe I'll take a weekend off sometime soon to soothe my heart.

Politics:

I just started and already I've developed a distaste for this. I’ve always wanted to believe in a world where people are intrinsically good, where, at heart, people only want what is best for humanity. Haha! How quickly that dissolves in politics! Or perhaps they still do want what is the best – nobody can agree on which road to choose, and compromises in ideals leads to political war. I'll stay optimistic for now, and assume that everyone just wants what is best. Fine, call me naive...

Kinda personal, somewhat political:

Back to the main point – which is that I hate not being able to trust people. I’d like to hear somebody say yes, and actually mean it. It’s like the moment I’ve become convenor, there is a little veil that comes up between the world and me. I mean, why is everyone so polite all of a sudden? Why are my friends keeping their distance? Why is it that I can’t think of anything but politics? My identity is gone, and all of a sudden I am nobody but Ms. BC. I guess it’s just an adjustment period, and sooner or later I’ll find myself again. This transition is just taking way too long! It’s so difficult when I just can’t wait to get started properly (once elections are over!) and I’m not sure where to go about starting the project.

Unsettled Dust - attn: Almaty People

This entry is mostly for the benefit of those who I've been in contact with who were living in Kazakhstan around the same time I was, or any people who simply feel that they have no home in this world.

There are times when I long for home. It's strange though... it's not a sense of a place. It's a sense of a feeling. I don't associate location or people with it. It's a homesickness that I can't make go away. It's like I'm a refugee, but I haven't been forced away from my homeland - I simply don't know where it is. Or perhaps I've hit my head and gotten amnesia on the way.

Home is not a place. Home is a feeling people like us long for and yet haven't really experienced.

It's a sense of defeat that haunts me at times when the world is quiet. It's a subtle weariness, because there isn't a place where I can put my feet up and feel at rest. There isn't an image in my head for the location where I will one day settle down and start producing babies in.

Which brings us to the next concept: Love.

How is it possible to abide by the standard conceptions on love and marriage and settling down with somebody for somebody from this group of global nomads? Take your partner around the world with you? But that's still "home". We're geared to leave behind everyone every few years. The concept of a lifelong friend seems somewhat alien. Or atleast, that of a lifelong friend who is ever physically present. I find it odd that I connect more with those of you who are now scattered around the world than I do with those who are right here in the city I am now living in.

So how is love possible? As far as I can tell, love should be about knowing a person and accepting who they are, along with their faults, etc... then only loving them. Then, by conventional standards, you're supposed to settle down together... but ok, we'll remove that part, and we should all find that person who understands us. That leaves somebody like me at the conclusion that the only person I could love, truly, is somebody who is just as globally nomadic as I am. Who else could truly understand that feeling of constant homesickness?

But that poses an interesting problem. We would both be geared to leaving the other behind after a while, no matter how intense the relationship became. It would be a matter of necessity, almost. Or else, we'd be together, but far away from each other at all times. But this, again poses a problem, for the person that knows he/she is leaving a place shortly will strive to enjoy the moment there as much as possible. At least I do. I may think a lot, but I also do my best to live life to the full. That generally includes having somebody to hold on a local level. So interestingly enough, it appears that it would be impossible to be with somebody at the same locale for too long, and yet, it would be practically impossible to be faithful to somebody far away who I could love.

So what is love for people like us?

Arrogance

How odd... The first thing that has happened to me as the Victorian branch convenor for the NLC can be seen as an inverse relationship between diplomacy and compassion for the campuses I am working with and patience for my fellow students at university.

This all came out the last week when I was doing campus visits. I attended a philosophy tutorial that week, arrived half an hour late, and then got really frustrated by one of my colleagues who simply did not understand the concept of time travel. The tutor's job is obviously to not get frustrated, and simply explain everything as many times as she has to. I, on the other hand, felt that it was a bloody waste of my time to attend tutes where people just don't understand. I was sitting there simmering in rage, thinking: "Grr.... what an idiot", and finally, being unable to stand it a moment longer, got up from my seat and gave the poor girl a two minute "Look, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS" speech... and "GET IT??!" The entire class went silent and the tutor, after half a minute of dumbstruck silence, says "ok, now lets move on to the next topic...."

A similar thing happened in a linguistics tutorial, but instead of dumbstruck silence, this guy gets up and asks "Are you married?"

Hehe... If this keeps up, I'm going to be the most hated person in the arts department.

At the same time, I've started to feel that there is nothing I wouldn't do for Victorian international students. It's accompanied by this feeling that I don't know enough and that I should listen and listen and pounce on any opportunity available to show them that I care and that I'm here for them. How odd.

Maybe it's the clanlike upbringing of a Thai person that I've received. Once in the family, there is nothing that takes priority over the family. I guess I've found a clan here in Australia.

Now that I'm feeling sentimental, I guess I'd really like to thank the people that have been helping me out - namely the new team - Nicholas, Lingling, Kelvin and Tenzing.

Kelvin is the sweetest person in the world - I told him, during one of my drunken episodes that I might be a hard-headed and serious person on the outside, but really, I'm this completely soft and fragile person and I really need a hug every day. So last night, I was sitting on this crowded tram, going to see a movie with a bunch of Victorians and I shout to Kelvin, sitting far from me "Kelvin - where's my daily hug?" and he got up immediately, ploughing through the masses in the tram to give me a hug! Thanks darling!