falling in love...

...am I?

Internal politics - fact sheet

Politics: Everyone wants to get VICBC in bed (the bed is made of contracts and fountain pens)

Personal: Everyone is sick of Fon discussing politics (hehe - too bad)

Personal discovery of the day: A double personality has been detected - Fon is still the same old person - VICBC is an entity all of her own.

Fon does not have a mean streak, she is a trusting person who does her best to please as many people as possible, and crumbles when she feels that she's offended anyone. Her heart breaks at the thought of injustices.

VICBC is a calculating, cold, person. Nobody intimidates her and she enjoys getting people pissed off. She's very frank about her organisation and is not in politics to please anyone. She is very dedicated to issues.

Lobbying and issues of justice are things the two have in common. Integrity is important to both, but neither of them are currently agreeing on what integruous behaviour consists of. This presents a slight logistical problem as the two have recently discovered that they are sharing the same premises 24 hours a day.

Love-life: Fon is the winner, as she has presented a stronger petition to the 'governing body' than VICBC, and is now thinking to move a motion to fall in love. VICBC feels that the motion needs more research, Fon thinks VICBC should take more risks. Governing body is trying to get both to get a life.

Friends: Despite this being an extremely busy period, time has been made for non-NLC, non-NUS, non-ISO people. One conclusion reached over one dinner was "that's just wrong. It sounds like [Foucault] just needed a really big hug" - Nathan. Socrates and Plato rock! Social interaction with political people with restrictions on political talk has been successful to a certain extent. It is a much needed break for days filled with meetings. Politicians start craving art. A 'political' person requested that I sing today.

House-hunting: A home on Williams road in Toorak has been located - moving in with Philip from England and [name unknown - did not meet him] from India on Sunday. Still trying to figure out how it is going to be possible to pack all my stuff tomorrow.

Energy level: Hyperactive from lack of sleep and too much caffeine infused products and nicotene.

Weight: Been so busy that 2 kilos disappeared into thin air in the past week. Ate a lot of gelati today ;)

Exams: Felt cheated during linguistics exam on Wednesday because it was too easy. As a matter of fact, the whole course was too easy and I did not learn anything new whatsoever. Attended max. 20% of lectures and turotials and still got HD's on all assignments this semester. Why am I paying to not learn anything?

Finances: Screwed.

Dinner: The worst in months.

Packing: Isn't happening. Better do something about it.

Things getting surreal

I think there is only so much a person can take... before...

...it all just starts to feel ridiculously simple.

I think when one has been pushed into something that seems "impossible", one unwittingly discovers that it isn't "impossible" at all - not even difficult, just a matter of work, and things just come together by themselves. It's a dangerous realisation to make... It makes one feel as if one can achieve anything... while that may be true, one is not taking into consideration the "stiletto" effect.

Let me explain. Yesterday, I engaged in discussions with a patron in a greek cafe, who told me the Greeks have a saying "Go slowly when you are in a hurry".

That makes perfect sense... why? There is always something that's going to make you stumble...

Thus, the "stiletto effect". If I try running anywhere in stilettos, most likely the heel will break or I'll trip and end up in the hospital with a concussion. I'll get there for sure if I pace myself and take measured steps.

So, back to the beginning. Realising that accomplishments are easily attainable boosts confidence... confidence makes one take quicker steps, and sooner or later, one will forget that the journey matters. Looking around matters. The reason one doesn't stumble when one is uncertain of whether or not one will reach the destination is because then one remembers to look around and...

LEARN!

Reflective equilibrium is an important lesson in life, and probably one of the most difficult to learn.

So why the title to this blog entry?

Personally, I feel as though I am very detached from myself at the moment. More often than not, I feel as if I'm an observer to my own life. I look at what I'm doing with very high levels of sceptisism, and I never relent from questioning all my moves, even as I make them with seeming confidence. It's like I'm watching a movie. I see my charachter on the screen doing certain things, and I seem to have no control, and I'm crossing my finger that my onscreen self won't stumble and fall, because at that moment, it's me that will have to pick me up... if that makes any sense.

Right now things are running relatively smoothly - The 'I' that exists seperately from my busy life is the airbag. I don't get involved until the crash test dummy hits the wall.

The 'Sandwagon'

Sand being sweet in the car seat

Indy learns to swim in foam

Indy trying out his newly discovered walking abilities

Sand: I want a lolly mommy!

Dampening the mood

Hmm... NSW...

The situation as it currently stands is a bit like... celebrating the invitation to the party, rather than the party which is going to occur next week, Thursday.

The supplies have been bought and the partygoers are planning their outfits and catchy phrases for the event.

But will the party rock?

That's the question.

So far, the news has spread like wildfire, and everyone is rejoicing - but it has not been officially announced yet, which makes it a little bit daunting, to say the least.

Or by another analogy: A million monkeys on a million keyboards given an infinite amount of time might be able to compose the complete workds of Shakespeare, but can a few powerful individuals from universities and government, given a week, sign a deal?

Hmmm...

*** *** ***

I was out in Monash Gippsland today, attending the arts faculty board meeting, and also visiting our future NLC affiliates on their wonderfully peaceful campus.

A bit too peaceful for my tastes, but I can see how it's absolutely wonderful in terms of peace and quiet as a study environment.

I had mixed feelings about the board not intending to milk international students for their money... naturally, that's a good thing, but that left my position as the international student rep. on the faculty board somewhat... well... boring. I was hoping to be able to raise some hell, and it wasn't really possible. They actually treat international students rather well in the arts faculty. Damn.

I mean, yay!

Atleast the coffee was ok...

... I feel incomplete ... There's somebody I really need to see... wish it could happen now, and I know it can't. :(

Life is getting cheaper in another state

Public Transport Concession has finally been granted for international students in NSW!!! YAY!!

That means Victoria is the only state now that doesn't have it. Meaning that the Victorian goverment has got to be most dumbass goverment if they don't soon implement the same for us!! Although, with regards to IQ, it seems to decrease exponentially according to the amount of beurocracy and people involved...

Waiting to see what happens - calling a few lawyers, and for an emergency branch exec.

PROGRESS!!

Almost made it...

The sun glared in my eyes as I walked torwards lecture theatre H1. I figure I would have made it all the way, except for the intervention of fellow classmate who asked me "So, what have you been up to?". I thought for a while and drew a blank. I answered him honestly "Errr... memory lapse. No idea what I've been doing." Today was supposed to be revision for drama. Then I realised that if I haven't been going to the lectures , and haven't done the reading, then 'revision' doesn't help me at all.

So I ended up in the MUISS lounge... from whence I have not moved for the past hour, munching on Mango rolls instead...

Productivity at the heights, I say.

And for you who knows what I'm talking about... I had a painkiller in the morning, so the pain in my ear DID disappear - hence, no need to see a doctor. Problem solved. Ha ha.

It seems that everyone knows that I have a boyfriend, and they seem to have a "reliable source", to quote Melissa. Except then they don't know who it is anyhow, so perhaps it's not true? Hmm... will leave that up to speculation, except for amongst those few who do know what is going on in my life.

Married, again!

Hehe. It seems I end up getting married to Cavish everytime I go out anywhere with LaTrobe people. This time, it was the LaTrobe multicultural night at the Eagle Bar. I wasn't in a very party party mood, so this time Cavish promised to be faithful this round of marriage, hehe. I even got special treatment (a shoulder rub) because I was sick. Yay.

My darling called sometime during the night, and didn't seem too perturbed to find that I had gotten married ... I guess that must mean he knows where my heart is :)

So sad... it seems that Kelvin is going for Jennifer Ho, so that means he wasn't busy making sure I was alright all night as he usually does... *sniff, sniff*, but the two of them make a cute couple - assuming that they are a couple, that is.

And Kenny... sheesh... he's technically married back home in Mauritius (although it was for purposes of convenience), but that didn't stop him from finding himself a 'hot date' that night.

Met a Thai person, who's Kelvin's friend, apparently, who was nice enough, but was a little too insistent that I come over and spend the night at his place, since I was spending the night somewhere out in LaTrobe anyhow... so my 'husband' thought he'd step in and insist I sleep over at his place... but I kinda thought that inappropriate, too, so I ended up sleeping with Kelvin, Ka Shing and Rachel in Kelvin's room. Hehe.

Oh... time to get down to work and write yet another essay (*sigh* sometimes I wish I were studying science, so I could copy answers from a classmate whenever I don't have time to do my own work...)

Feeling down

I should be feeling somewhat happy... I mean, I've been stressing about assignments that I handed in about ten days late... and I managed to get extensions for everything. Plus, Network Magazine is off to print and should be out next week. Yet here I am, feeling like there is something missing. Today, I stood around in the MUISS office feeling totally lost. I still can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's a feeling of inadequacy. Everything is going along, but nothing is progressing to an excellent standard. I should be able to concentrate more on uni, or more on NLC. The truth is, I just want to be able to do an excellent job with everything, and I feel that I am just barely scraping by. I got two of my assignments back today - HD's on both, but I know the ones that were handed in late this week were really very substandard and that It's going to skew down my average drastically. That's not good if I'm going to apply for an internal transfer at uni.

And NLC? Well, that again is problematic. I guess I'd like to be able to inspire everyone to get off their asses and do something worthwhile for the international students on their campus - I wonder why nobody cares, sometimes.

It's draining. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

And love? Well, I'd be lieing if I said everything was fine. When he's here, it's the most beautiful sunny day, or the most tumultuous of storms... but when he's not, it's a cloudy, somewhat chilly day - neither here nor there, and I'll be feeling this way for the next few weeks. Very blase.

On a more positive note - the adbusters have done it again, this time choosing the Picnic commercial at Malvern train station as the victim. Check it out:

My long-distance fate

It appears that even though I am destined to lead a fortunate life, according to my stars, there was nothing in the predictions about the longing and loneliness I would be destined to face all my life. It seems as though all those that I care about are destined to be far from me - it has always been that way, from the day I was born.

Quick overview:

When I was born, by parents had to work very hard - my mother owned an interior design company, and my father's career was just beginning to escalate, so it was only for half a year that I lived with my parents as a baby. I was sent to live with my aunt in Thailand for about a year, while my parents were away working to build the future that they now enjoy.

The following years of my life, the family consisted only of my father, mother, me and the youngest of my three older brothers, as we travelled around the world after my father's work. This, ofcourse, distanced my from my family in Thailand and in Finland. Not to say that we are not close (atleast as far as the Thai side is concerned), just that I've never had the opportunity to really bond with any of my family. The other consequence of this nomadic lifestyle was that I never had the opportunity to make any long-term friends, and some that were my 'best' friends in those days are no longer in touch with. I've met a few of them again in my wanderings around the world, but can I honestly say that I have a network of friends who will always be there to share all my experiences with me? The anser is no. And such it has always been. I have loved ones across the globe, but in effect, they are a network of people that are there for me, but yet can't really be 'utilised' in the same manner that most friends are. There really isn't anyone I call everyday and share my experiences with... not even every week... every month - and by the time it gets to the yearly updates, all those little details of life are somewhat lost. Perhaps that is why I experience difficulty attaching importance to everyday occurances.

So how here I am in Australia, and even the friends I've been making here are not from the same state!

I've found a happy little family, atleast for this year, and they all consist of people who are going to be far away from me, or generally too busy to see me very often.

And now even the one I am supposed to be sharing my life with is across the country, and I'll get to see him at the most, once every month. There will be times when we are seperated for much longer, too. I'm amazed it has lasted this long and gotten stronger, considering that I'm one who managed to screw up a relationship that has lasted two years just because we were apart for one month. The thought makes me smile - because it shows me how much we must care for each other, and yet, it makes me sad, because I feel as though I'll always be alone. But if that's my fate, then I'm happily resigned to it. There's nothing much more I can do. I guess I'm luckier than others.

Anyhow, that brings up more or less up to date. I'm finally back in Melbourne, after two tumultuous weeks in Sydney. I think I've been sleeping about two to three hours a night for the past week - and it's no wonder that I am sick!

Yesterday and the day before were highly entertaining, as I had lost my voice and spent two days writing notes to everyone with whatever piece of paper happened to be nearby at the time. National exec was very united in making fun of me. In a strange way, it was nice to notice how some people (apart from the teasing), have a truly empathetic side, that comes out every now and again. And even though the common goal, atleast in my opinion, was somewhat dubious, people were nonetheless quite united in their communal teasing of the speechless one. But hey, generally, it's quite safe to assume that if people tease you a lot, it's because they care for you.

That means 'princess' should really feel loved, hehe.